


Say Something (I've given up 'cause you're gone)

by XimenaWood



Category: Kingsman (Movies), Kingsman (Movies) RPF, Kingsman: The Golden Circle
Genre: 5 years since the first movie, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Character Death, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kingsman the Golden Circle, M/M, Multi, My own timeline, Non-Canonical Character Death, Polyamorous Character, Polyamory, Really really really really sad, Sad, Tilde kick ass, Workaholic Merlin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-25 20:06:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13842057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XimenaWood/pseuds/XimenaWood
Summary: Grief is like living two life. One is where you pretend everything is alright, and the other is where your heart silently screams in pain.





	Say Something (I've given up 'cause you're gone)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Sooooo I 've been thinking about writing this for a while, but I need to "write" the hole story in my head before I can put in on paper.  
> There is a slight reference to suicide, fair warning.  
> I am my own beta and english is my second language, please go easy on me.  
> Also my timeline is a little different. The first Kingsman movie was five years ago, and the whole Golden Circle debacle took two months.  
> I don't own anything.

Harry wasn’t sure what he expected when he came back to London. He knew things were different, how could they not be? Almost the entirety of Kingsman was gone. The staff was still alive along with him and Merlin, but all their bases and safe houses were gone. Rebuilding would take time, would be slow and hard, there would be bumps on the road but at the end things would be okay. Because he had Merlin, his best friend, the man who had stood with him through everything. He couldn’t even imagine what it was like for Merlin this last five years. So yes, Harry expected things to be hard, but at the end for things to be okay.  
He wasn’t naïve either, he knew Merlin had built a life in the last five years, a life he, Harry, wasn’t a part of, a life Merlin had never imagined him in. The previous Galahad had noted the ring on Merlin’s finger. He was happy for his friend, glad Merlin had found someone worthy of him and he was sure his old friend would present them to him when the moment was right, when everything was safe.

  
That’s why when they came back to London with Tequila he wasn’t surprise how difficult things were. They worked from an old safe house that hadn’t been used for forty years, therefore not in the system, and thus not destroyed. It also lacked electricity and hot water, so it wasn’t exactly a Four Season, but well beggars can´t be choosers. Kingsman staff from all around the world came back home to heal and rebuild. Harry saw many he knew, but there were some new faces with old names. For example, Morgan five years prior was a man in his fifty that Harry hadn’t known very well, who apparently had chosen to stand with Chester King and had sadly lost his head. The new Morgana was a young woman in her late twenties from Canada that had been on a secret mission, so secret it wasn’t on the database. The first time he met her he’d woken to the sound of crying and gone to the kitchen to find a young blonde crying on Merlin’s shoulder.

  
“All gone, they’re all gone Alisdair.”

  
“I know lassie, it’s gonna be alright, everything will be alright” Merlin had comforted the stranger.

  
“I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.” She’d wailed.

  
The previous Galahad had left them there mourning people he might or might not have known. That morning he’d met the Canadian formally. Not a trace of last night’s sorrow on her and he’d never mentioned it. It hadn´t occurred to him that the sorry she’d cried was anything other than survivor guilt.

  
Other staff member had come little too little. Medical staff, engineers, drivers, linguistics, even family members and friends had slowly arrived. Some would nob at him, hug him, a few even cried. Others looked at him suspiciously, not trusting the miracle, not trusting that he was really Harry Hart or that he hadn’t turned on the Kingsman. Tequila received less suspicious glared than he did. But could he blame them? He had a hard time trusting himself sometimes, trusting his own thought, his senses.

  
Maybe that’s why he didn’t realize Merlin wasn’t okay. Maybe that’s why he didn’t see that his friend wasn’t sleeping, wasn’t eating, wasn´t doing anything other than working. Maybe that’s why he didn’t realize Merlin hadn’t cried, hadn’t mentioned his spouse.

  
He was helping a new, well new for him, translator with some Italian papers when the Princess of Sweden waltz into the safe house and punched Merlin, the highest-ranking officer in the room, while everyone watched. Harry was on his feet and ready when someone pushed him back on his chair. He looked up to see Morgana in front of him shaking her head.

  
“YOU FUCKING BASTARD!” The Princess started screaming, “YOU PIECE OF SHIT! GOOD FOR NOTHING HIGHLAND TRASH!”

  
“Tilde.” Merlin tried looking up at her highness. She punched him again, this time Merlin fell from his chair.

  
Harry wasn’t sure what was happening, he didn’t understand why everyone was just standing there or why Merlin hadn’t blocked the punches.  
Tilde crunched down to crap Merlin’s shirt.

  
“You didn’t deserve them then, you abandoned them constantly and now you are abandoning them again.” Merlin didn’t look up from the ground. “You think you’re organization matters more than them?” Not waiting for an answer Tilde laughed. “Of course, you do. You’ve always thought it mattered more. Always standing them up and late for everything. I shouldn’t be surprise that they’re fucking funeral is the same.”

  
Funeral?

  
“I was- “Tilde snorted.

  
“Let me guess. You were busy working and it was just too important to tear yourself away from it. It was a save or doom the world situation.” Merlin kept looking at the ground.

“Did I guess right?”

  
“Your highness…” Morgana had started to approach the pair.

  
“Don’t you fucking dare make excuses for this scum.” Tilde turned to glare at her fellow blonde.

  
It didn’t stop Morgana though, “No one has been grieving more than Merlin for their losses, but he is currently the highest-ranking officer, the closest thing we have to an Arthur. He can´t just-”

  
“Go to his spouse’s funeral?” Tilde snapped back. Merlin flinched. Morgana open her mouth to defend her boss and friend, but said man shot her a look and she stepped back.

  
Spouses?

  
“It’s what they would have wanted Tilde.” Merlin said softly.

“Don´t you dare make this about them you dickhead.” Tilde turned on her heel, thundering out of the room. “You abandon them for the last time Alisdair, you’ve made your choice and now you have to live it.”

  
Tilde stopped before the threshold and looked at the floor. “Don´t visit, not their grave and not Michelle or Daisy or Anne, and certainly not Laoguair.” That got a reaction out of Merlin. In a flash he was across the room glaring down at the Swedish princess.

  
“You can’t stop me from seeing my own fucking daughter Tilde. I won’t let you.”

  
Daughter?

  
“You honestly think that any court will give you, a single man in his forty that officially makes barely above minimum wage as an IT at a tailor shop that was destroy in a ‘mysterious’ explosion, is never home, has a criminal record, and was never able to keep a job before the Kingsman; custody? Over me, a future queen that is known for her charity and studied at Cambridge?

  
Merlin deflated, Tilde smirked, a cruel, sad one. “That’s what I though as well.”

  
Merlin waited five minutes after Tilde had left to go back to his chair. Just like that he was back to work. Some of the workers hesitated, staring at the scot.

  
“Back to work!” Morgana barked stalking toward Merlin.

  
“Alisdair…”

  
“Don’t” Merlin didn’t stop typing, “Just don’t”

  
“Take a break Dair, just for a second.”

  
The typing paused for a second. “I can’t…”

  
“Take a second.” Merlin opened his mouth to object “Or I’ll have Doctor Hadley declare you unfit.”

  
His best friend stopped for a second and glared at her and she smiled back sadly. Merlin stalked out of the room with murder on his face.

  
Meanwhile Harry was in shock. He’d known Merlin had been married, but… Merlin, the guy who didn’t know how to show emotion, how to handle a normal interaction, had been married not to one, but to two persons, two persons who were probably Kingsman. His friend hadn’t just been married, he was a father, to a little girl. Alisdair had a daughter.

  
And if he was right then…

  
Harry followed Alisdair out before anyone could stop him.

  
The brit found his friend in an adjacent room with a bottle of bourbon form the Statesman. Harry watched him for a minute or two, his back was to the door and he was drinking directly form the bottle

  
“Dair…” Alisdair ignored him. Harry sighted and sat down next to him.

  
They were quiet for a while.

  
“I didn’t mean to always be late, you know?” Alisdair was holding a picture, his finger slowly tracing it. “I just always got lost in the work, and they understood Harry.” Harry didn’t dare interrupt, this was the longest conversation they’d had since he his memory had come back. “I love them for it.” Pause, “Loved. It was so easy, they made it easy.” Silence. “Five years, I had five years with them Harry, our little girl is three, she won’t remember them, won’t remember me.”

  
“You haven’t lost her yet. She’s alive and you will see her again. The princess was just mad Dair.”

  
Merlin laugh without humor, tears pooling in his eyes. “I couldn’t go, going meant accepting, meant… I couldn’t.”

  
“Dair.”

  
“She’s right though, right about me always choosing Kingsman over my family. We got into a fight over it you know? Eggsy and Rox wanted me to pass more time with Laoghair, with them, but I was busy that month. Gawain had an important mission and needed me to assist. We yelled, and they went to sleep at your old place, Eggsy’s place. Roxy felt bad and went to the manor, so we could speak, while Laoghair was at Michelle’s and Eggsy was doing Tilde a favour by pretending to be her boyfriend for her parents. That was two months ago.”

  
Harry breath stopped, two months ago, the timing… That was…

  
Tears started falling, trailing down his old friend’s cheek and pooling on the table.

  
“The last thing I said to Roxy was that if she couldn’t accept who she had married maybe she should leave.”

  
“Dair stop. Don’t do this to yourself.”

  
“Eggsy wanted to give the mission to the Statesman and come back, said our little girl needed us, that we had to bury Roxanne. I said we had to stay, see it through, avenge her, make sure the world was safe for our little girl.” Alisdair looked at him in the eyes and Harry wished he could take his best friend’s pain away. “He died because of me. Maybe I should join them.”

  
“No, no, he didn’t Dair and don’t you dare say that. You lost your spouses, but you have a little girl that needs you. A little girl that has already lost two of her parents and needs you. You can’t just give up. Eggsy died protecting us all, doing something he loved, Roxy died knowing you would hunt down the fuckers who did this to her, they both died knowing Laoghair would be safe with you. She would grow up happy and loved and with you. Grieve and cry and mourn but get up afterwards and go get you’re little girl Dair, she needs you.”

  
Dair stared at him in silence for a minute before slowly nodding.

  
Later, when he had dragged a drunk Alisdair back to his bunk Harry peaked at the photo. Worn from touch he could see Eggsy smiling at the camera, Roxy had her head through back in laughter and she was holding a little two-year-old girl that was looking at Alisdair who was making faces at her with his arm around his lovers.

Harry smiled sadly before tucking the photo in Dair’s pocket

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it! If you did leave Kudos and comment, if you didn't still leave a comment, so I can improve.  
> Come check me out on Tumblr-- booksandshowsandmore.


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